If you’re always searching for “happy” how will you know when you get there if you don’t know you’re definition?

Exercise #1

I believe it’s very beneficial to find happiness daily. Have you ever gone to buy a car? You look around and find something you like. You think it’s great and there aren’t very many of them around in your city. When you get it and start driving it, you see them every where you look. Happiness can be like this as well. Your subconscious looks for what we train it to look for. Another way to say this is that you see what you want to see.

So if you see what you want to see, then decide what you want to see. Didn’t see that coming did you? J I suggest writing down little things that make you happy. Thinking on paper is a great habit to get into. So, what makes you happy? A baby smiling? A funny movie? A certain movie genre? Music? Playing an instrument? A sunset? A sunrise? That new car smell? Thai food? Spending time with friends and/or family? Your children? When your children leave for a while? If you’re always looking for things to make you smile instead of things to tick you off, you’ll notice a difference. Don’t get me wrong there are always things that will come up that make you unhappy as well…but overall do your best to look for the good.

Exercise #2

Next I would recommend thinking about what you’d like your life to look like when you are “happy.” When you reach this ideal, what does it look like? Do you live on your own private island with a few million dollars in the bank? Do you live in the country? How much money do you make? One exercise I’ve done is written down your ideal day. What will you do on your ideal day? What time will you get up? Will you be alone? If not, who will you be with? Then you just roll through your day.

This sounds like an odd thing to do, but it really helps you get a clear picture in your mind. If you have a picture of what you’re aiming towards, your subconscious can be working towards it. Of course, you have to take action to get to that spot. It’s your subconscious, not a magic wand. Take action! Do something daily to move you towards your definition of happiness!

So I made it through this whole post without quoting that Bobby McFerrin song. Bonus points for me.

The next morning I was down stairs ready for the boot camp at 7:30 am. I was very surprised by the number of people that were there. There were about 425 people there. Around the first break I met Jason and Nandi Moore (www.dinealkaline.com/) that are students in Eben Pagan’s Ignition program with me. They were very cool. Eben had us play a game called matchmaker all weekend (which I do my best to play always). The way you play is talk to people all weekend, find out what they need, who there customer is, and what people they need to meet and then try to find people to link them with. This was an awesome exercise. It was great to get you focused on the needs of others and providing value to others. I highly recommend doing this everyday. During the first break, I was introduced to Dean Gates. Look him up on IMDB.com. He’s a makeup artist and has worked in the movie business for years. He knows tons of people in the industry and is a super cool guy as well. The boot camp was awesome because Eben had us do exercises and actual work while we were there. He had several guest speakers as well. One was a presenter during the Ignition program named Lou D’Alo (www.powerupcoaching.com). He spoke twice at the boot camp. We ended up sitting next to each other Sunday and he had a lot of great advice. You should definitely check out his site. He’s a really sharp guy with lots of great information!

Later that evening I was able to meet Eben, get my picture, and give him a guitar pick. I talked to him a little more at the pool side party after the event as well. There were so many cool people there. Dean Gates and I talked about movies and film making quite a bit that night as well. Talk about a guy with tons of cool stories!

The next morning we hit the ground running as well. The boot camp started at 9am and I think I left the conference room close to 11pm. We heard from Joe Polish (http://www.joepolish.com/) on good marketing and positioning. Next Andrea Albright spoke about using video online. Lou D’Alo spoke again after that about busting traffic myths. Rose Cole (http://www.wellnesswithrose.com/) spoke about how she built her online business and that it is all virtual. She had good information about using affiliates and communicating with customers and developing products to meet their specific needs. Laura Roeder (http://www.lauraroeder.com/) went on next. She taught us how to use Twitter effectively. She showed us how blogs can help build relationships with people. She did a great job as well. Don Crowthers (http://www.101publicrelations.com/ and Stompernet) jumped up and told us some ways to build expert status with Twitter in a few weeks. He was sharp.

After the boot camp I met up with Dean to talk more about filmmaking (lol) and get some food. Not much was open at 11:30pm. The food at the bar in the hotel was good though. After that (about 1:30am) I went up stairs, packed and slept until 3am. Then it was time to get up and prepare for my flight. (Note to self: Do not EVER get a flight that leaves at 5 something am.) The good thing about flying that time in the morning was that in LAX there was ONE person in front of me in the security line. Hehe. This definitely beat the hundreds in Charlotte. It would have been a nice time to sleep if I didn’t have a 4 year old (or so) constantly kicking me and being hyper. Oh well…I’m sure I would have been the same way at that age. J

Over all it was a great trip. I’m glad I made it out there. It would have been nice to stay a few more days. I would have gotten to go to a real Hollywood make up effects workshop and how cool would that have been?

Don’t accept second class behavior

Probably around 2004 I heard Eben Pagan say something like, “Don’t accept second class behavior from yourself or anyone else.” This is not an exact quote but close. This quote hit me like a ton of bricks or equally dense material. I had been too much of a “people pleaser” and it was not only was it not helping me, it was hurting me. Don’t get me wrong I truly enjoy helping other but people pleasing can be damaging. After thinking about this quote I realized that it was hurting my self esteem and allowing people to prey on my desire to help people.

Examples of second class behavior

There are many times when we may be a little nicer than we need to be and people take advantage of this. Sometimes they may not do it maliciously but just out of habit. People canceling on plans and not informing you, being late all the time to appointments, not calling when they say, etc… are all examples of second class behavior. The example that comes to mind for me was on a Friday night I was supposed to go out with this girl and she was going to call around 9 and we’d go out. Well 9pm comes and goes. I call and get no answer. Turns out that she didn’t call that night and since I didn’t really find out to late, it limited my plans that night. I live in a small town where they pretty much roll up the sidewalks at 9-10pm.

How should you react to this behavior?

So I thought about what happened that night and how I should handle it. Should I get angry and start arguing or yelling? What would that accomplish? Say I was right, how would that make her feel? Dale Carnegie discusses how no one wins an argument in “How to win friends and influence people.” Should I call and leave mean messages on her voicemail? Again, what would that accomplish? Should I cut contact until she calls me? Well in this case, she called the next day. I would imagine in this case that the person thinks A) I’ll pretend this didn’t happen and he’ll just accept it the way other people do or B) He’ll be mad and he’ll just have to get over it (I’m sure there were many others too…but for simplicity sake J ).

Use the quote

What I did was use the quote from Eben. I stated, “Look, I don’t accept second class behavior from myself or anyone else. I would rather never talk to you again than to accept this type of behavior.” Knowing me, I was probably wordier, but hopefully you get the idea. This worked well for a few reasons I believe.  It shows a firm stance on your rules for yourself and others. It is very difficult to argue because you state that you don’t accept these rules from yourself either. How do you argue this? They can’t argue what you accept. You do or you do not. I threw the second sentence in there from my study of sales. It is a strong negotiation tactic to be able to walk away from the deal. This reminds me of another Eben phrase, “there is no downside.” In this case for me there was no downside. If that was an indication of how I would be treated, then it was not worth my time and effort.

What will the other person say or do?

Some people may be worried about how the other person will react to this. I was lucky in this case because I was at the point where it didn’t matter. If they wanted to treat me in a first class way then that was cool, if not then, “bye!”  Instead of worrying about how they may react, write down some possible reactions. What is the worst that could happen? We already discussed that this would be a hard thing to argue because it’s what you accept from yourself and others. If you’ve accepted a lot of second class behavior in the past and have decided to change, let people know it. If it’s long time friend or family member try this. “I’ve decided to make some changes in my life and I will no longer accept second class behavior from myself or others.” The thing is with this that you MUST live your side of the statement as well. If you say you’ll call someone at 1:30pm then their phone needs to be ringing at 1:30pm (preferably with you on the other end).

Role Play

Don’t worry; you don’t have to dress up like a police officer or a French maid for this part. In mental health I’ve learned how well role playing can help practice a skill before you have to use it in “the real world.” If you are worried about how this may play out on a conversation with a friend, coworker, associate, or member of the opposite sex, meet with someone you feel comfortable around and try it out. If you have fears write them down ahead of time. This can be what you consider to be the worse case scenario. You get you’re friend to be you and give them a script of what you’ll say. You bring up you’re worse case scenario if you feel like it. You could try your side out as well.

Ready for prime time

When you say this a few times you’ll feel more comfortable with it and realize that it is firm and direct but not mean. It just sets up the frame of which you operate. Another example to think of is this. If you have kids (or have seen kids or were a kid) you have noticed that there may be one parent that gives in a little more than the other. This will be the one that the kids ask first for candy or money. Well the one parent set up that frame that they don’t take much off the kids and that they are the authority in the house. Some homes it’s the mother some it’s the father, but it was set up pretty early on usually. I encourage you to try this and notice that it sets up the frame of what you accept and what you don’t. It should help boost you’re self esteem and get you treated with respect. Best of luck to you!

So what in the world does this have to do with personal development? Well, that’s a good question. Since it is music I started listening to a long time ago, it made me ponder some things from a long time ago. It also helped me realize how far I’ve come. It seems I focused more on negative thoughts and views back then. It wasn’t on purpose, just a combination of young angst, depression, etc… Of course even today I’ll get hit by a long series of events (which is a sign of growth, single events used to bring me down for days) that will bring me down. However, I can get out of that state much quicker with coping skills learned over the years. It seems that everyone has negative thoughts and that is normal but identifying and changing your negative beliefs can help reduce the number of negative thoughts as well as viewing the world as a place of scarcity.

An example of one of these beliefs is thinking of business people as people that are using poor people to make them money and not thinking about them. Am I saying that all business people are ethical humanitarians? No, of course not, BUT not all of them are like that by a long shot. This theme is heard in lyrics, seen on television, and on movies. The big bad business man…out to rule the world. Well after I graduate college, I became very interested in business and started reading and listening to information on business and business owners. As an art major through college, I noticed that there were many artists that remained very poor their entire lives but there were a few that made a good living, such as Monet (which oddly enough sounds like saying money with a French accent). So I started reading articles on Monet to see what made him different than say, Van Gogh.

If you’ve studied Internet Marketing, you’ve heard about launches. Jeff Walker is known for Product Launch Formula and Monet did something very similar (minus the use of the internet of course). He would get let a lot of wealthy art buyers know that he was working on a series of paintings and would have an event at his house where he showed the work and sold it. He already had a name for himself then though.

Well, back to what I was talking about. I studied business owners and found out interesting things. A lot of libraries in this country were built with help of Andrew Carnegie. A more recent fact is that the computers in the library in my own small town were donated by Bill Gates. The more I read, the more I learned about good things business people did for the world.

Many people would state that this is only looking at one side of the coin. Before people leave me negative comments, I realize that a lot of pollution, etc… has come from business as well. So what’s the difference? One is looking at the positive side of things, and the other is viewing the negatives. Buddha said, “What we think, we become.” Think about that, if you only think about negative things certain businesses are doing, then that’s what’s on your mind. It also brings up an exercise I’ve heard and since used as an example. Look around in the room your in right now. Look for all the red things in the room (if you don’t see anything red then look for all the blue things in the room). Here’s where the example doesn’t work in print. The next step you close your eyes (see what I mean…how do you read the next sentence…or this one for that matterJ). Name 3 green items in the room. It’s an example to show that you find what you’re looking for. Another example I use is “Where’s Waldo.” Do you find the guy that’s in the plain blue shirt in another part of the drawing? No you find Waldo. If you’re looking for all the bad stuff in life, then that’s what you’ll find.

Please understand I’m not saying ignore all the bad things and life and pretend that they’re not there. That is not helping the world either. If you are just sitting around doing nothing but being concerned about your own well being and complaining about “the man” holding you down then what are you doing about it? In college being a musician I was exposed to many people and one thing that used to get on my nerves was people sitting around doing drugs complaining about stuff. What did that accomplish? What are you doing to add value in the world? What did you do today or this week to make the lives of other better? What did you do to help the world? Last night at the concert, we were leaving and my friend was on crutches behind me so I turned around and stated, “Watch out for this mud puddle” then pointed at it. Then I hear a splash. One lady right behind us falls right into it. Her stoned friend just semi-looked at her and was going on and on about the leaves or something. Ok I won’t talk anymore about that because that could turn into about a 50 page rant for me.

So to wrap up, the concert was great! When you’re viewing the world, don’t forget to look at the positive side. Yes, I make jokes about “the man,” you know “whitey” but it’s just to pick around. I no longer sit around thinking only about all the bad things business people are doing to the world. Realize that some people do good things, some people do bad things. Be one of the people that do good things!

In reducing to the ridiculous, you take a price and reduce it down to the daily price or even an hourly price depending on your product. For example, if a service or product cost only $999 (for a limited time only of course), that’s only $83.25 per month, $19.21 per week, and only $2.74 per day. That is reducing to the ridiculous. Most of us have encountered this technique many times over the years.

Bizarro reducing to the ridiculous is exactly what it sounds like, doing the opposite of that. So if you buy a drink everyday for $1.30, that’s $39 per month, and $474.50. Many people know this and it seems obvious but it still helps to think this way. I work with a lot of folks that smoke and this expense adds up very quickly. According to this article, cigarettes average $5.06 across the country. So at one pack per day that’s $151.80 per month, and $1846.90 per year. These of course compound if you go to the store and get a drink and a pack of cigarettes daily.

Authors have been writing about this for a while but I still notice people complaining about being broke and blowing money daily. If you’re health conscious or trying to lose weight, try this technique on food as well. When people tell me that they are having trouble losing weight, one of the first questions I ask is do they drink soft drinks? One person explained that they were drinking about 4-5 twenty ounce Mountain Dews per day. Here we go again with the math… One serving has 110 calories, there are 2.5 servings in a twenty ounce drink which is 275 calories. That is 1100-1375 calories! Of course you could take this out to the year (401,500-501,875 calories).

These are dramatic examples to be sure but it gets the point across. This is to get you thinking when you’re deciding whether to stop and get a drink on the way to work or just bring some water from home. I’ve found it beneficial to think about things before you buy to decide if they are really needed. Don’t go crazy though…I think it’s necessary to have what you want at times as well.

Brian Tracy mentions in the chapter on lifelong learning that “the average person sits in his/her car 500-1000 hours per year. This is the equivalent of 12 – 24 forty hour weeks or as much as 3 to 6 months of working time you spend in your car.” Brian Tracy goes on to explain that this is the equivalent of 1-2 semesters in college.” One thing I’ll add to this is it’s the equivalent to 1-2 semesters of courses that you pick and want to learn. If you’ll remember from college, we had to take a lot of courses that we didn’t necessarily want to take.

What I’ve done over the years if make a list of characteristics that I want to strengthen in myself. Then you can go and research those characteristics to learn what authors are out there. Then make a “to read” or “to listen to” list. The library can be a great resource for this! The library is where I’ve found some great books on CD. My personal collection of books on CD is pretty large as well. If you consider that I’ve had jobs that were over an hour a way, the books really add up if you listen a minimum of 2 hours per day 5-6 days per week.

Also in the chapter about lifelong learning, he mentions reading an hour every morning in a book in your field. I believe this is a great idea, but personally it’s challenging for me. If you work from home or are your
own boss, it would be easier. For me, it’s easier to listen on the way to work
then read in the afternoon or evening.

While you have the book on tape, CD, or mp3, you can also listen while you walk or run. This is great because you can learn and become healthier at the same time. It can be very beneficial to stack activities like this.

The last tip I’ll give on this topic is keeping a notebook handing. I’ve had some great ideas while listening to audio programs. I’ve been in the car, walking outside, or on a treadmill and ideas just pop in my head. Beside me in the car is a small pad of paper for writing ideas. I also keep them to take to the treadmill, etc… You never know when inspiration will strike you but it’s amazing how one thing that someone says can be a spark to things popping you head.

In future posts I’ll mention more authors and speakers that helped me down my path of lifelong learning.

Yesterday I heard someone say, “They would never go on a cruise, because people get missing when they go on cruises.” This is the great example of fear keeping people from living!

Okay, let’s look at the facts. According to this article one million people cruised on US-based cruise ships per month. The article goes on to state that most people that go missing are “not victims of crime but a depression and sadness.” This article mentions missing persons on cruises. They stated that around 20 people have been reporting missing from cruises in the history of cruises. As of the time of this article, none had been reported in the last two years. So let’s do the math, if it’s been two years since one person went missing, at 12 million people per year, that’s one and 24 million people. To put that into perspective, around 90 people per year get struck by lightning. So you can stop going outside? According to Personal MD, there are about 3000 people that choke to death on food every year. Are you going to stop eating?

This is just a way to step back and review how unfounded some of our fears are. We stop ourselves from doing things and living life because of things we hear others say.

Next time you catch yourself saying something that is fear-based, stop and do the math and see if it’s reality, or only fear.

“If you think you can do a thing or think you can’t do a thing…, you’re right. “
~ Henry Ford

Most people have heard Henry Ford’s quote. But have you internalized it? “Can’t” limits your thinking. It puts up a wall. It stops your brain from progressing. You could call it being mentally lazy. When you use “can’t” in a sentence, it allows you to give up, to quit, and to hold up the white flag of surrender! “I can’t be successful.” “I can’t cook.” “I can’t fly across the country by flapping my ears.” Ok, the last one is a little tricky, but you get the point. Making negative statements like this create your future by repressing your possibilities.

Listen to the voice in your head 

We all have that voice in our head that speaks to us. Some call it our inner voice. It moves quickly and will start negative thoughts out of nowhere. A lot of this can be traced back to negative core beliefs.  If you become aware of every time you use “can’t” then it causes you to think about what you are saying and how that can be negative. You have to learn to listen for little negative words like and train your mind to change them.  When you catch these negatives your must Reframe them. 

Reframe

Reframing is a great way to get your brain working for you instead of against you. When you say “can’t” either in your mind or aloud, what you are really saying to yourself is either a) I won’t or b) I don’t know how! Reframe “I can’t with a “how can I” or “how will I” or another phrase that will cause you to think positive and not give up. It takes time. I’ve worked on this for quite a while and have found the one “can’t” that keeps on slipping in is “I can’t afford that.” This is not always true and a lot of times just a reflex.  The more factual statement is“I choose not to afford it at this time” or “I really don’t want it, don’t need it, etc.” In my case, I’m working on the bigger picture and don’t need the item. (Wants and Needs will be discussed in another article). 

Ask “Why?” 

Why can’t you? Ask yourself this when that word creeps into your brain or jumps out of your mouth without notice. I told myself that I couldn’t dance until about 2005. Looking back I have no idea why, but I would always say, “I can’t dance” when asked. In about 2005 (sad it took me so long), I thought, “Why can’t I dance?” It was either I don’t want to OR don’t know how to. In this case it was I didn’t know how.

Examine the Facts

Let’s use the dance example. I  analyzed myself to figure out “why” I couldn’t dance.  This was done by asking myself, “What attributes are needed to dance?” Being a musician  I realized I have rhythm. Clumsiness has never been an issue. Improvising musically over the years taught me to listen to all the parts of music and play with what I choose. The fact that I hadn’t taken any dance lessons since I was young seemed to be what made me think I could not dance….DUH!  The answer wasn’t that I can’t dance, I just didn’t know how…yet! It was a comfort and knowledge issue not lack of ability. Now the question was, “How?”

Just Do it!

It seems like I’ve heard that somewhere before, but it truly is as simple as that…..’Just do it’!

A friend  told me that there was an Argentine Tango class that met on at a bar in a near by city. So I said, ‘Lets Just Do It! I went, picked up the steps fairly quickly (Argentine Tango is a challenging dance) and had a blast. It was so much fun I went to classes regularly and  asked for feedback. I learned what I needed to do to improve my skills. It was great and I met a lot of interesting people so continued to go attend and practiced with a friend   Bottom Line is now “I love Argentine Tango.” That’s a far cry from “I can’t dance which had been programmed in my subconcious until I eliminated can’t from my vocabulary.  

Open Your Mind

Find something you “can’t” do and decide ….is it I don’t WANT to OR I don’t know HOW to?” If you keep asking “why,” eventually you’ll get to the core issue. In mental health I use this lot. You can always make a list. I recommend thinking on paper. Get out as much as you can. It’s a great release and you’ll surprise yourself. If people “can’t” do something either they don’t WANT to (ask yourself WHY) or they don’t know HOW to, then ask how do I overcome that challenge. Best of luck to you!

About the author:

Geo Swanko is part of Mutantville Productions (www.mutantville.com) an independent filmmaking company specializing in horror. Geo has started posting articles related to filmmaking, self improvement, Argentine Tango, music, marketing, etc… on his blog at www.GeoSwanko.com.